I have suffered with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. I am 30 years old and I recalll my thoughts when I was only 14 years old. I was put on medication after an incident when I was 19. I was diagnosed with body dysmorphia, generalized anxiety, and depression. The medication didn’t last long because I didn’t like the way I felt when I was on it, so I stopped. After that, I would say I was okay. I was able to manage it myself.
When I got pregnant with my daughter, I was happy. The pregnancy was smooth and everything was with work and having my mother-in-law around to help. After I gave birth, the entire maternity leave was difficult. Of course, being a mom for the first time, not knowing what to do, being up with the baby and I felt bad asking my husband to help because he was working and he needed rest.
What I didn’t realize, was that I needed help too.
I want to talk about what exactly is postpartum depression.
Postpartum depression is a more severe, long-lasting form of depression. Some signs and symptoms may include :
- Depressed mood or severe mood swings
- Excessive crying
- Difficulty bonding with your baby
- Withdrawing from family and friends
- Loss or appetite or eating much more than usual
- Inability to sleep (insomnia) or sleeping too much
- Overwhelming fatigue or loss of energy
- Reduced interest and please in activities you used to enjoy
- Intense irritability and anger
- Fear that you’re not a good mother
- Hopelessness
- Feelings of worthlessness, shame, guilt or inadequacy
- Diminished ability to think clearly, concentrate or make decision
- Restlessness
- Severe anxiety and panic attacks
- Thoughts of harming yourself or your baby
- Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide
If I knew then, what I know now, I would’ve sought help when I gave birth to my daughter. I used to have thoughts that my daughter would be better off without me, and she would be okay because she was surrounded by those who loved her dearly. I wouldn’t eat, I wouldn’t shower, I was constantly tired. I remember this one night, I fed my daughter, she had a clean diaper, she was burped but she cried for hours. I was doing everything I could to get her to stop crying and I couldn’t figure it out.
At one point, I gave up. I sat with her on my bed and I disassociated and just stared at her. And then I started yelling and crying, asking her (as if she understood) why was she crying. My husband eventually woke up and took her out of my arms and I just sat there. I wanted to shake her and hurt her but I didn’t.
Then I started working again and I was able to have some time to myself and my relationship and the bonding got better with my daughter.
And here I am now. 5 months pregnant and I have a 7-year-old daughter and 1-year-old son.
I’ve been crying, feeling angry, having panic attacks. I’ve had thoughts that I can’t even say out loud or write down. It’s not my children’s fault or my husband’s for me feeling the way that I do.
So I did whats best for me and I went to my doctor and I spoke to them about the things I have been feeling. They outweighed my risks and since I am already high-risk, because of gestational diabetes and the blood clots, it is better for my children, me, and my mental health, to restart my medications. I am already being closely monitored so they cleared me to seek help, from a therapist and a psychiatrist.
I love my family. And to be there for them, I have to take care of myself.